The media would have you believe that a cop is the bad guy who is lazy and does nothing all day. Nothing could be further from the truth. They never stop, never know when they will be going home and never know what they will be dealing with from one moment to the next. Being a police officer is not a job, it is a way of life that often affects those closest to you. A cop will develop skills, behaviours and a black sense of humour that never leave them, even after retirement. The one thing that most officers will tell you is that it is the best job in the world and humour is so important. Here are just a few traits that a cop needs.
1. You have the bladder capacity of five people.
2. You have restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
3. You believe that 80% of people are a waste of space.
4. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
5. You call for a name check on anyone who is remotely friendly to you.
6. Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal to you.
7. You find humour in other peoples stupidity.
8. You have your weekends off planned for a year and they are still cancelled.
9. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
10. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says ” It’s quiet today”.
11. Whenever you phone someone, you ask them ‘Are you free to speak?’
12. Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track.
13. You’re the only sober person in the kebab house.
14. You believe chocolate is a food group.
15. Having alcohol at 7am seems perfectly normal.
16. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called “Suicide, getting it right the first time”.
17. You believe “Too Stupid to Live” should be a valid court outcome.
18. When you mention vegetables, you’re not referring to a food group.
19. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
20. Your prisoner states “I have no idea how I got here” – and neither have you.
21. You end normal conversations with loved ones with, “All Received”.
22. You walk down the street looking at people as potential criminal intelligence submissions.
23. You believe the carpet bombing of certain areas of your beat is a viable alternative to policing.
24. You believe that some crimes can be sorted out with a damn good kicking.
25. Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
26. You are the only person you know who ever uses the word ‘liaise’.
27. Your partner tells you off for walking with your hands held together behind your back.
28. At least once every working day you use the phrase, “The job’s f****d!”
29. You regularly say, “With all due respect, Sir” but mean nothing of the sort.
30. You have a nose finely tuned to the smells of cannabis, decomposition and stale body odour.
31. You think Thursday is the best night to go into town for a drink with your mates.
32. When you go somewhere new you always end up in the “no go” part of the town.
33. You always see more than one male in a car as burglars going out to commit crime.
34. You know a full moon will bring out the loonies.
34. Everyone sees your sense of humour as something that will send you to hell.
35. You nodded and laughed at all of the above, and realised what a sick bunch we all are.
Do you know any more ways to tell a cop or, as an ex cop what do you always do? Why not let me know.
